Promises

I promised my GP that I wouldn’t cancel my appointment this week. That I’d come even if I were feeling terrible.

The promise was made as a safety plan of sorts. A couple of weeks ago I overdosed the night before my appointment with her, then used the app to cancel my appointment. I told her. I was honest.

So now I’m to show up this week without fail. There’s also the silent, un-discussed expectation that I won’t self-harm in any way. No cutting, no overdosing or misusing medication.

I’m holding on. Barely.

The eating disorder is screaming at me. ‘Don’t eat, don’t drink, don’t think, don’t feel’. The same negative mantra it’s screamed for half my life. It is getting the better of me. The eating disorder plans feel safe and familiar. I’m falling into the trap of thinking that if I just follow the rules well enough that everything will be okay.

I know following any kind of ED rules is the quickest way to end up in the local emergency department. Dehydration in combination with my medical conditions is a recipe for disaster.

I don’t see a way out right now though. Going with the eating disorder seems safe and comforting. At least it doesn’t involve binge eating and piling on even more weight. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last nine months. Binge eating so often that I’ve depleted all of my savings. I’m broke from this damn eating disorder. At least restricting is cheap. Plus I’ll lose weight. Winning all round, right?

I know I’m making poor choices. It sounds utterly ridiculous, even writing it all out. This is where I’m at though. Completely emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, struggling, losing any remaining hope.

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6 thoughts on “Promises

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling. It doesn’t sound ridiculous, it sounds like a nightmare that most people could never understand.

    There’s really nothing I can do to help, I know you’re already trying so hard. But I’m still here, reading and appreciating everything you write, and I care about you.

    I hope you can at least stay hydrated. I misplaced my water bottle again (I lose things constantly!) and without that visual cue I often forget to drink. Hours later, I’m wondering why I feel terrible and assume I’m in a flashback, but I’m also getting dehydrated.

    It really can be difficult to take basic care of myself at times, and I often feel pathetic and hate on myself. I have to be reminded that basic self-care is hard for many people, and there’s nothing weird about it.

    If you’d like them, I offer you these virtual *hugs*

  2. Sending you vibes of comfort and safety. Give yourself credit for your honesty. It is worth far more than you know. Keep holding on, see your GP and keep speaking your truth. It is HARD work. And maybe just try to make one better choice on any given day (or week, or month – sometimes that is the best you can do and that’s ok). xo.

  3. Hi, I have DID, something that’s really helping me right now is a book called Romancing the Shadow. This invites you to picture your inner world as a round table with parts that you accept of yourself given a seat. The rest is sent off to the shadow. So for me with binging, I have named this aspect of myself greedy. Greedy was formed when my Dad humiliated me for eating Easter Eggs when I was young. Keeping Greedy in the shadow has stopped me asking for more at work and caused me feelings of low self worth when Greedy got the strength up, to break out of the shadows and take the throne and I would binge. The solution is to make my Greedy feel better about the whole Easter Egg thing and try and integrate her more by forgiving and accepting her and giving her a seat at the round table. This has helped me! I am binging a lot less and being more assertive about what I want, especially at work, without feeling greedy and somehow sullied by wanting. Greedy when intergrated properly is a normal aspect of anyone’s personality and something to be proud of. Hope this helps J x

      • Yes I’m sure it doesn’t work for everyone, I guess I just had obvious times in my past when I had been punished for wanting stuff. I hope you start feeling better soon x

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