Sick and Tired

I needed a break from healthcare appointments. I cancelled all of my appointments. I was just so tired of talking about my health, my feelings, my thoughts.

The break lasted about one and half weeks. I got a letter in the mail form my optometrist. A reminder for my annual check up. No biggie. I made the appointment for the following day just to get it over with.

Then it turned to shit. The appointment wasn’t actually for a regular eye test. It was for new photos of my badly bulging optic nerves, and a peripheral vision test to check for vision loss.

This isn’t new to me. A couple of years ago they discovered the problem with my optic nerves. It was thoroughly investigated, and specialists eventually concluded that I had pseudopapilledema (sue-doe-pap-ill-ed-eema). They said, due to lack of symptoms, that it was nothing to be concerned about, but to get my eyes tested annually.

Jump forward to now. Two years after that diagnosis. My optic nerves are bulging more than they ever have. I’m to follow up with my GP who can do referrals for relevant tests, scans, and outpatient referrals.

I dread this. I suspect I know how this goes.

I see my lovely GP who has a little panic. Then it goes one of two ways. The first way she keeps her cool, and sends me off for any relevant blood tests or scans, and an outpatient referral to a specialist. The second way she completely panics, and sends me straight to the Eye & Ear hospital where I spend the rest of the day in their emergency department.

When I eventually see a specialist (whether inpatient or outpatient) they’re likely to explore the possibility of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. Basically, increased pressure in my brain that pushes the optic nerve forward into my eye. That was the potential a couple of years ago, but they ruled it out due to lack of symptoms.

If I see a specialist about the pseudopapilledema they’re likely to tell me that I need to lose weight. I know I do. I’m 40kg above my healthy BMI. Yes, I know BMI isn’t a particularly accurate way to judge health, but it’s what the majority of doctors rely on. If it’s IIH, even if it’s not, they’re likely to recommend weight loss.

That’s fine. I understand how weight loss would help this, as well as all my other chronic conditions. It’s just that I also have an eating disorder, and every single weight loss attempt has ended in a severe relapse.

I’ve only just gotten back to eating a bit more, and a bit more regularly. Now though? Gone. Obliterated. No food for me because I’m causing, or worsening, my health issues, and it’s all my fault. That’s where my head has gone.

So weight loss to improve my health? Necessary, yes. Possible? I don’t now how. Physical health issues mean I can’t do anything even resembling exercise. Throw in all the mental health issues, especially the eating disorder, and I don’t know how I can lose weight, remain sane, and maintain the health I do have at the moment.

I’m sick and tired of being so sick and tired.

Cancelled

I’m free. No healthcare appointment for three weeks. By chance my next appointment with my psychiatrist is in three weeks, not the usual two. I cancelled the appointment I had with my GP today, and I’ve seen all my other specialists recently.

I’m just done. I’m so emotionally exhausted from talking about symptoms, treatments, response to treatments, managing medication side effects and withdrawals. Mostly the talking though.

I’m mostly housebound. I manage to leave the house for appointments, and that’s about it. I see family when there’s time for me to spend the night there and properly rest. I see friends most when they can visit me. Just getting to and from medical appointments all over Melbourne exhausts me.

I don’t drive because a) I don’t have a license b) I can’t afford to buy, or run a car and c) I wouldn’t be safe to drive a  car the majority of the time. That means relying on public transport. It’s pretty good in Melbourne. I can get to most places without too much trouble, but it does take a lot of energy. I’ve applied for funding for either a mobility scooter or power chair, but whether or not that happens is another matter.

I just need a break. Physically I need to rest and regain some energy. Emotionally I need a break from the near constant health talk. All of the healthcare appointments have meant talking to, and seeing friends even less. So the majority of the interactions I’ve had with people have been with healthcare providers about different aspects of my health.

I’m done. Just done. 100% done.