Cancelled

I’m free. No healthcare appointment for three weeks. By chance my next appointment with my psychiatrist is in three weeks, not the usual two. I cancelled the appointment I had with my GP today, and I’ve seen all my other specialists recently.

I’m just done. I’m so emotionally exhausted from talking about symptoms, treatments, response to treatments, managing medication side effects and withdrawals. Mostly the talking though.

I’m mostly housebound. I manage to leave the house for appointments, and that’s about it. I see family when there’s time for me to spend the night there and properly rest. I see friends most when they can visit me. Just getting to and from medical appointments all over Melbourne exhausts me.

I don’t drive because a) I don’t have a license b) I can’t afford to buy, or run a car and c) I wouldn’t be safe to drive a  car the majority of the time. That means relying on public transport. It’s pretty good in Melbourne. I can get to most places without too much trouble, but it does take a lot of energy. I’ve applied for funding for either a mobility scooter or power chair, but whether or not that happens is another matter.

I just need a break. Physically I need to rest and regain some energy. Emotionally I need a break from the near constant health talk. All of the healthcare appointments have meant talking to, and seeing friends even less. So the majority of the interactions I’ve had with people have been with healthcare providers about different aspects of my health.

I’m done. Just done. 100% done.

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ME/CFS: It’s Not Fair

Tissues_Tears_Crying_Sad_Chronic_Illness_Chronic_Fatigue_Syndrome_CFS_ME_ME/CFS_Myalgic_Encephalomyelitis_Pain_Bored

It’s one of those days. You know, one of those days where everything hurts, everything makes you cry, you feel so alone and isolated, life feels empty and meaningless. One of those days.

I have ME/CFS which comes with chronic and severe fatigue and pain. I’m exhausted and in pain. I’m stuck in bed watching TV because I’m not well enough to do much else. RSI in my wrist has flared up which makes typing difficult, and any creative projects I could work on impossible and unwise.

I feel left behind and left out, like the world is rushing by whilst I sit and watch from the sidelines. I know this isn’t an entirely accurate perspective, and I know I don’t always feel this way. It’s just today I’m at home, in bed, watching TV because I’m not physically well enough to do much else. I could push myself, but that will only increase symptoms and make tomorrow worse.

I’m well enough to be very bored needing to rest.

Other people, ‘normal’ people can feel bored, and get up and leave the house. If I chose to leave the house today then I’d be unable to leave the house tomorrow to see a friend as planned. I can’t choose to go outside and do some gardening because it takes too much energy, and I can’t use my wrist. The little crochet dinosaur I’m working on for a new nephew also has to wait because of my wrist. I have to save all my energy today so I can use it all tomorrow, and spend the weekend in bed recovering.

This is where the tears come in.

I’m crying because I don’t know if I’ll ever be physically better.
I’m crying because I feel so alone and left out.
I’m crying because I don’t feel in control of my life.
I’m crying because I don’t want this to be my life.
I’m crying because I don’t know how, or if, I can change this.

Weighted Blankets for DID and PTSD: Three Years On

The title is a lie, it’s been three and a half years since I bought my weighted blankets, and then reviewed them. I still do not regret buying the blankets. I can’t remember how much the 4kg lap blanket, and 8kg single blanket cost. It was several hundred Australian dollars.

Last year, between multiple hospital admissions, I finally finished sewing all the fiddle tags onto my single 8kg weighted blanket.IMG_4981

There’s lace, chain, cord, zips, velcro, elastic, corduroy, buttons, sequins, and more! When I’m dissociated and need to ground myself I feel each one, and try to describe it to myself. I focus on what it feels like, how I’d describe it to someone who has never heard of, seen, or felt anything like it. Most of the time ding that is enough to lessen the dissociation to a point where I can move and talk. It’s not a magical quick fix that works instantly, or every time, but it does help.

Whilst the fiddle tags help with grounding and lessening dissociation, the weight of the blanket seems to help most with anxiety, and flashbacks. My anxiety is often tied in with the relentless worrying that I do, and sometimes spirals out of control. The flashbacks tend to come with some anxiety, but a lot of fear, even terror. Either way, intense emotions.

The weight of the blanket helps me calm down and settle. Usually I double up the blanket, and try to make sure all of it is on me, and not hanging over the sides of my body. The relief is instant. It’s almost like flicking a switch. I go from feeling distressed, anxious, and terrified, to calmer and more relaxed. My body relaxes as soon as the weight is on me. I liken the experience to holding your breath for as long as you can, then finally being able to take a breath. Instant relief. There’s also a sense of calm, safety, and security. Under that blanket I know I’m okay, I know I’m safe.

How often do we use it? Honestly, not very often now. Maybe once a month, but it depends how we’re feeling and what’s going on. It’s actually one of our most forgotten grounding skills. As much as it’s useful, we still forget and need to be reminded to use it by friends or our treating team.

The other use we’ve found for the weighted blanket is to help manage pain. I have ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) which causes, at times, severe pain. I’m not sure how the weighted blanket helps, but at a guess I think the weight helps my muscles to relax, which in turn helps lessen some of my muscle pain. Again, not a quick fix, and not something that will help everyone, but something I’ve found useful.

‘Where have you been?’

‘I haven’t seen you for so long! Where have you been?’

I lost count of the number of times my colleagues asked me this yesterday. It was my second shift back at work in as many weeks. My colleagues can be forgiven for not having seen me. I’m able to work only a small number of hours each week, and my roster changes each week. Often we miss each other because of different shifts.

Where have I been?

Back and forth between healthcare appointments, with the remainder of my time generally spent at home resting. During the peak of the health chaos I’d been to four different hospitals in seven days. Then there were the follow up appointments with my regular healthcare team, as well as specialists. I’m still waiting on two more outpatient specialist appointments, but things have quietened down.

It was very scary and stressful having a potential new health issue come out of nowhere. I’d been feeling my usual ME/CFS symptoms – worn out and sore. I was told the condition I may have could cause serious complications if left untreated, and researching the prognosis online did not help. Thankfully further tests have revealed that it’s unlikely I have the condition. I have further tests and follow up later in the year.

Then (because there’s always more!) my mood spiraled upwards into hypomania. Whilst that’s been fun, entertaining, and refreshing, it’s also destroyed my budget, strained some friendships, and physically worn me out. ME/CFS and Bipolar II are an utterly ridiculous combination, and the hypomania has been more difficult to manage this time.

As for The Committee there have been quite a few changes since our hospital admission over Christmas. Nothing hugely noticeable to anyone on the outside, but some significant shifts inside. Attitudes have changes, and we’re more focussed on working as a team than ever before.

I’m hoping (and crossing my fingers and toes) that I’ll be able to get back to writing more regularly now, but please be patient with us.