Shit Has Hit The Fan

Maybe things aren’t going so well. I keep trying to convince myself that things aren’t so bad, that they could be worse, that nothing is really wrong.

Yet today, when my groceries were delivered, I hurriedly hid alcohol and sharps in my room so if my housemate came home she wouldn’t see them. A few minutes after the delivery driver left my housemate came home. My secrets were hidden. Along with a second carton of diet soft drink, and eating disorder ‘safe’ food.

All are flashing neon warning signs that I’m not okay, and my housemate is well and truly aware of them. I’m scared my housemate will find out and confront me. I’m scared my friends will find out and do the same. I’m scared of where I’m headed.

I’m going around in circles of crippling depression, overwhelming emotions, and destructive behaviours. I’m not proud. I don’t want people to know. I’m desperate to hide these behaviours from friends and family.

Yet with hiding the behaviours comes enormous guilt. Guilt from lying to friends and family about behaviours, about how I really am. Guilt at even the thought of telling any friends or family a watered down version of the truth. Guilt because alcohol abuse runs in my family, and it’s a path I’ve always sworn I wouldn’t go down.

The guilt adds fuel to the fire that’s already burning strongly. I’m desperately clutching at behaviours that slowly destroy me. Healthy coping mechanisms are long gone. I’m trying to hold on, but can see the mess my day-to-day life has become, and have given up. Might as well have another drink, or use another unhelpful behaviour to keep holding on.

Shit has hit the fan.

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9 thoughts on “Shit Has Hit The Fan

    • At the time (a couple of weeks ago, this post was a scheduled one) we didn’t have anyone to talk to. All our team were away. However we’re back on track now and doing much better and can hopefully write about it soon.

  1. I couldn’t comment on this right away, because shit hit the fan for me, too. I probably don’t need to explain to you how it’s sometimes really hard to talk about things while they’re still happening.

    It’s interesting/strange, lately I’ve noticed that lots of shit is hitting lots of fans over the last few months. I’m in the US, and everyone wants to chalk it up to our recent politics, but I don’t think it’s that simple — though it may be a factor. No matter the cause, I noticed that I went from talking to someone in a suicidal crisis once a month to every other day. It was pretty intense. Things are settling a bit, but it still seems like this is a really big time for nearly everyone I know living with any kind of trauma or mental illness.

    Fortunately, lots of people seem to be responding like you have been, to try to make the tough times matter by working on things and talking about them, rather than try to pretend they don’t exist and letting them get worse. I’ve been hiding alcohol, too, unfortunately, and while it’s nowhere near as bad as it was back when I was young, it’s still not where I want to be. As long as we don’t give up, though, we’ll still be here, and we can still keep trying.

    As always, thanks for being a random anonymous hero to me. It’s nice to know we’re not alone.

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