Sadness

Sadness sounds like such a simple concept. Sadness. Being sad. An emotion associated perhaps with unpleasant events, loss, and grief.

Sadness_Pain_Grief_Loss_PTSD_Post_Traumatic_Stress_Disorder_Dissociative_Identity_Disorder_Trauma_Mental_Illness

In the last week or two sadness has sunk in. Not depression, but sadness. After years of running from the reality of my past it’s finally sinking in. I was sexually abused by my father for many years, and for a limited amount of time by a maternal uncle.

That’s the reality of my past. That’s a huge part of why we split into so many parts. Different parts were needed to take on different elements of the abuse, or different periods of life. All were needed for us to survive. For all they took on I am grateful.

Now though, it’s time for me to stop running. Time to sit with the horrendous nature of my childhood. Time to feel the sadness, the loss, and the pain instead of doing all I can to avoid feeling.

Now it’s sinking in, and it’s not pleasant. It’s painfully uncomfortable, but that’s okay. I’m sitting with the feelings. I’m writing, drawing, and talking. I’m crying, hugging soft toys, and curling up in bed.

I’ve run out of words to describe the sadness. The words that come to mind don’t adequately convey the pain that comes with the sadness. Thankfully Miss 16 does. She’s the only one of us who can write poems. I like to think I’m good with words, but Miss 19 can convey feelings, thoughts, and concepts through poetry in a way that I’ve never been able to.

Here is her latest piece entitled ‘Sadness’

Sadness by Miss 19
A deep, dark hole
A cavernous space
Within you, inside you
Trying to consume

You ignored it for so long
You played pretend
Only now do you see
What has always been there

Everything you missed
The happy memories you don’t have
The fond family gatherings
that never occurred

It was different for you
That’s just how it was
Pain, terror, and sadness
That’s what you got

The abuse has ended
But the pain still remains
You’re not able to escape it
You have to feel the pain

That deep, longing sadness
The soul burning pain
The emptiness and aloneness
They’re what remain

You must learn to feel
That will be your only escape
Avoiding prolongs it
You must feel the hurt

The tears will fall
And the sadness will reign
But you’ll move through it all
You’ll smile again

That cavernous doom
It will shrink in size
But one day you’ll see
That there’s another side

Feeling it all
Not letting it go
Will bring sunshine and peace
and warmth to your soul

So feel it all
Please don’t run away
Just be with the sadness
Let the tears fall.

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3 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. I got so sick of being in a perpetual state of being sick , scared and unhappy, I wanted to remember wanted the grief, so that I could get through it, were starting to call ourselves by one name now. I don’t know if we can ever be together again, but we are best friends, we don’t know if there are any others, holding on to memories that we don’t know about. It is nice, now, things have calmed down, to be just getting on with our life. However despite the horror that comes with finding out, we would want to be in touch with any other parts of us, that are currently alone and unable to communicate, except maybe through anger. Sometimes neither of us feel accountable for the anger! Funny to feel guilty because the anger comes from our mouth and we feel the emotion, but we don’t feel in control. We accept if there is another angry one, life, could get a lot worse as we find out about her and access her memories. I guess we have to thank her for sparing us from such an intense negative emotion for so long and we owe it to her to liberate her from her solitary hellish existence.

    Well done for being so brave. It will get better.

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