It’s one of those days. You know, one of those days where everything hurts, everything makes you cry, you feel so alone and isolated, life feels empty and meaningless. One of those days.
I have ME/CFS which comes with chronic and severe fatigue and pain. I’m exhausted and in pain. I’m stuck in bed watching TV because I’m not well enough to do much else. RSI in my wrist has flared up which makes typing difficult, and any creative projects I could work on impossible and unwise.
I feel left behind and left out, like the world is rushing by whilst I sit and watch from the sidelines. I know this isn’t an entirely accurate perspective, and I know I don’t always feel this way. It’s just today I’m at home, in bed, watching TV because I’m not physically well enough to do much else. I could push myself, but that will only increase symptoms and make tomorrow worse.
I’m well enough to be very bored needing to rest.
Other people, ‘normal’ people can feel bored, and get up and leave the house. If I chose to leave the house today then I’d be unable to leave the house tomorrow to see a friend as planned. I can’t choose to go outside and do some gardening because it takes too much energy, and I can’t use my wrist. The little crochet dinosaur I’m working on for a new nephew also has to wait because of my wrist. I have to save all my energy today so I can use it all tomorrow, and spend the weekend in bed recovering.
This is where the tears come in.
I’m crying because I don’t know if I’ll ever be physically better.
I’m crying because I feel so alone and left out.
I’m crying because I don’t feel in control of my life.
I’m crying because I don’t want this to be my life.
I’m crying because I don’t know how, or if, I can change this.