Avoidance. Pushing internal stress away. Dissociating. Zoning out. Eating disorder behaviours. Self medicating.
That’s all avoidance. I’m the Queen of Avoidance. Ultimately I know that avoiding stressors instead of dealing with them isn’t helpful, but it’s still a trap I tend to fall in to. Avoidance is what lead to my hospital admission just recently.
It all began back in February. I went for some routine tests and received some very unexpected and worrying results. I was told to attend a specialist hospital emergency department as soon as possible for more tests and/or treatment. Although I was calm on the outside, I was an anxious, nervous, scared mess inside.
I had all the tests done, saw the relevant specialists, and was sent home with an outpatient appointment for follow up and hopefully a diagnosis. Then, due to sleep deprivation from the stress and anxiety of this first health issue, I experienced an episode of another severe health issue. This landed me in the local hospital emergency department for the evening until, after tests came back clear, I was allowed to go home.
All of that happened over a one week period. The stress of having to deal with serious physical health issues made me push my mental health to the back burner. I just needed to go to appointments, have tests done, get answers etc.
Bad move. It turns out that, for me, pushing mental health to the back burner sets me on a slippery slope to chaos and despair. From February to June my symptoms slowly increased. The most noticeable was the avoidance of everything inside – alters/parts were silenced, and I gradually lost all connection with everything happening inside.
At some point that avoidance started bubbling away like a volcano getting ready to explode. Others memories and emotions began leaking through. The flashbacks started and became gradually worse. Eventually I was becoming anxious at 5pm because bedtime was in four to five hours, and bedtime meant flashbacks. I tried to avoid sleeping, but that didn’t work. I switched to increasing one of my medications so that I could manage the bedtime anxiety better, and fall asleep more easily.
That’s where I was at when I went in to hospital. An anxious, stressed, emotionally worn out, nearly falling in a heap mess.