Do You Ever Feel Invisible?

Do you ever feel invisible? Like that the things you say and do have no impact on anyone or anything?

That’s where I’m at right now. I try to fill my days and weeks with activities that help give meaning to life, but sometimes it seems almost pointless. Like all the things I do make no difference to anyone or anything.

I explained to one of my doctors that I try to set myself one task to complete each day. That could be a small amount of gardening, washing the dishes, washing my clothes, or going to a healthcare appointment. One day each week is set aside for work, and the following day reserved for resting.

It sounds like I keep myself busy and have purpose. I’m definitely kept busy, but it feels so purposeless. I do these things so I don’t drive myself insane with boredom, and because I’ve been told over, and over that it’s good for me.

Would it matter if I stopped doing all of these things? Would anyone notice if I quietly withdrew from the world?

My only sibling currently living in the country and his his family are busy with their own lives. We live only half an hour away from each other, but see each other only a handful of times each year. Would they notice if I were gone?

I have wonderful, caring friends that appear to like me, even though I don’t understand why. All seem to be very busy with their own lives. Work, relationships, hobbies, life. Would they notice if I were gone?

I’m beginning to feel quite isolated, disconnected, and alone. There are many people that seem to care about me, but I feel different to them. My life moves at a slower pace due to health issues. Sometimes I’m okay with that, and I’m grateful that I’ve learnt to appreciate the smaller things in life, but right now I feel invisible.

I suspect that depression is beginning to creep back in. The hopelessness, worthlessness, and despair are clear warning signs. The anxiety, the worry, the eating disorder symptoms. They’re all warning signs. I’ve adjusted my medication, and I know this will pass.

It’s just, right now, I feel so very invisible. I feel like I’m watching the world go on around me. Others seem to be doing all that I’m still dreaming of, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do those things.

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