Dissociation: Watching It Happen

I had a therapy appointment this afternoon. I didn’t make it. Shortly before the time I needed to leave I got up from my bed, then stood in the middle of my room and stared blankly, not knowing what I was meant to be doing. I watched as I sat down in the corner of my bedroom, and curled up against the wall.

I’m not sure how long I stayed there. I had my phone in my pocket and did manage to send a jumbled, poorly worded message my psychologist to say I wouldn’t make it. At some point I moved to my bed and curled up under the covers and stared blankly at the wall.

I don’t know what happened. I was ready to leave the house. I had everything I needed. Then *snaps fingers* I was gone. So dissociated that I don’t remember the afternoon. In some ways it’s probably best that I didn’t leave the house. That could have happened in public, or with my psychologist. Either of those scenarios would have ended with me being taken to the local emergency department in an ambulance.

I know stress, anxiety, and depression can increase and worsen my dissociation, but today was unusual. The majority of the time I make it to whatever appointment I need to get to, make it home, then zone out. Today, perhaps, I was feeling too overwhelmed. Even if that means feeling overwhelmed by things I’m not quite aware of.

I’m frustrated and annoyed at myself. I don’t know what went wrong, or how to fix it. I don’t know what’s going on inside. My head feels messy and chaotic. My mood has taken a nose dive in the last couple of days. Now, because  I missed my appointment today, I don’t have another one for two weeks.

Fuck dissociation.

 

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One thought on “Dissociation: Watching It Happen

  1. Hun.. Resisting feelings and thoughts creates so much in way of confusion and depression. Take a chance to hear what needs saying. Courage won’t be in vain.

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