This is what happens when a friend visits me at home. It could be someone I’ve known for a few years or close to ten. Let’s say that this friend said they’d be at my house between 1pm and 2pm.
They said they’d be here between 1pm and 2pm. I need to tidy. What if they’re late? What if they forget? Or if they come early? What do I say to them? What if we have nothing to talk about and it’s awkward?
One hour until they get here. Maybe. It could be two hours, but I have to be ready in one hour. I need to be dressed, brush my hair, look nice. What if they forget? Did I give them the right address? What if they go to the wrong house? I’ll watch TV to distract myself. Oh, but I need to make sure the house is tidy.
I think I’m ready. What if they forget? I need to check what time they said they’d come. Oh, and I’ll double check the address. What if I’ve given them the wrong address? Maybe I’ll get comfy on the couch. Then I can see people coming. Then the doorbell won’t make me jump.
They’re not here yet. They’re not early. It could still be an hour before they get here. I’m not comfortable on the couch. I’m exhausted and hot and want to rest in bed. What do I say to them? What if we have nothing to talk about? What will they think of me? They’ll see how horrible I look. They’ll hate me.
They’re not here yet. What if they’ve forgotten? What if something bad happened to them? Should I message them to check they’re still coming? I’ll make sure I gave them the right address. Oh, and what time did they say? Maybe I got the time wrong. Or the day. What day did they say they were coming?
Thank goodness they’re here. Oh, what do I say? They’re looking at me. What do they think?
Oh thank goodness they’re gone. It was nice to see them. They seem to like me. I think it went okay.
I hate myself. I hate my size and my shape. I’m sure my friend noticed. I’m such a horrible person. I wish I didn’t get so anxious. People are nice to me. They seem to like me. I make conversation easily. I still hate it. I wish I didn’t have to see people. Except that I get lonely, and I like spending time with people.
I’m useless. I get anxious over nothing. This is all so silly. I don’t know why I care so much. My friends seem to like me. No one makes them spend time with me or do nice things for me. I don’t know why anyone likes me. I hope I don’t have to talk to anyone else today.
As much as I enjoy seeing friends and interacting with them, the whole process can be incredibly draining. The anxiety and worry is the same for almost any social situation.
It’s something I’m working on, and something that’s going to take time to address. Awareness helps, but it’s only the start. Changing the thinking and making longterm change is the next part. That’s where I’m at right now. Still working on it.