There’s a battle going on inside. Several parts are upset and hurting, as am I, after an argument we had yesterday.
Miss and Mr. Mid-Twenties, as well as Miss 16, are insistent that I need to rest inside, and allow other parts out more often. Choosing to stay inside whilst other parts run what I feel like is my life is hard for me. I’m scared of missing things, and worried that my day-to-day life will be destroyed.
We have a set of system rules that everyone knows about, and mostly, we stick to them. The rules mean that no one can make major life decisions, spend money, talk to outside people without permission. It means, when I come back, that my life, and my ‘normal’ and ‘sane’ facade should be intact.
Losing time still scares me. Most parts will write in our journal if they’re out for a little while. They’ll raise any concerns they have, ask questions, and leave messages for our psychologist. It doesn’t make me feel any better though. Switching regularly is scary. The constant switching is tiring and unsettling. I feel scattered. I’m not sure what, or how much I’ve missed. I’m never 100% sure what other parts have done whilst they were out.
I feel like I’m continually picking up the pieces. Desperately scrambling to piece together what’s been said and done. At the moment I usually know I’ve lost time, and will know who’s been out. What I don’t remember are the finer details – what’s been said or written. Miss 19 wrote several pages last week. I knew she’d written, but I didn’t know what.
I’m holding it together, but I’m exhausted. I’m managing day-to-day life. I’m functioning. I can cook, clean, eat, make it to appointments, and work. Keeping track of what we’ve said and done though? That’s not working so well. I feel like I’m constantly running around trying to keep up.
I’m not sure when it’s going to get easier. We’re heading into a series of highly triggering trauma anniversaries. I know we’ll survive, we always do. I’m just not sure how right now.