One hundred and ninety four pages written and drawn in twenty six days twenty two hours and forty five minutes. That’s how much we did whilst in hospital.
It was a long admission – nearly a whole month away from home. I don’t regret the admission. I was terrified beforehand, and unsettled for the first few days, but once we settled it was okay. The routine and structure of the inpatient program were helpful.
The most helpful thing though? Working with my psychiatrist. Parts who’d never had much chance to say anything had the opportunity to talk about things that happened to them. Shame, disgust, and pain were gently unpacked, talked about, and put away again.
There’s plenty more for us to work on. Not everyone was able, or had the opportunity to talk. There are still many issues within our system. Unhealthy behaviours and unhelpful coping mechanisms are still there. We’re a work in progress.
I’m glad to be home. Being home does bring up more issues. At least one part is scared and anxious about leaving the house. I’m yet to discover who that is and work through it. Others are scared by the intense silence of our new house. My own issues with eating are close to the surface, but not yet dangerous, or of serious concern.
I’m also trying to summarise the one hundred and ninety four pages that we wrote and drew in hospital into dot points relevant to each part. It’s slow going. I can’t remember a lot of what was written because I didn’t write it. I’m mostly doing it so our psychologist can see what we worked on, important issues that came up, and anything else. It also means I’m more likely to remember what we worked on.
I can’t begin to explain how much we worked on whilst in hospital. We saw our psychiatrist six days a week. Sundays were, blissfully, therapy free and a chance to relax, and regroup before another big week. We were writing and drawing in any free time we had.
I write to make sense of things. Journalling organises my thoughts and puts things in order. I’ve been journalling for at least twelve years, quite possibly longer. I have journals I wrote as a teenager, and every single journal since then.