Holding On

Posts here are few and far between. Life continues to throw chronic-illness-curve-balls.

I thoroughly enjoyed a seven week break from all of my health professionals. I had no appointments to go to, no new medications to try – nothing. I had a quiet Christmas with a good friend, then spent a few weeks making the most of another hypomanic episode.

Not seeing my psychologist was wonderful! I was able to push things away, not think about them, and just do things I felt like doing. I felt like a ‘normal’ person. Unfortunately that meat burying thoughts and emotions surrounding a series of stressful events. I told myself that I’d be okay, that I could manage until my psychologist came back. Then I could start working some of it out.

That really didn’t go to plan. The stress built up, and the thoughts, and emotions were buried as deep as possible. By the time I saw my psychologist I wasn’t able to explain what had happened, what the triggers were, or even mention all the unhealthy coping mechanisms I’d started using.

I left that session and cried, then cancelled the next one. I saw no point in talking when I didn’t know how I could possibly fix things. Since then I’ve been to two more sessions. One of those ended in disaster – severe dissociation, an ambulance being called, paramedics moving me, taking me to the local emergency department, clothes removed, gown put on, ECG done, and finally discharged when I was more present, and able to talk and move.

Life feels messy. I’m disconnected and dissociated from most of what must be going on inside. I’m aware of losing a little bit of time, but don’t know who’s out or what’s happening.

I’m holding on, but I’m not okay.

4 thoughts on “Holding On

  1. Sorry to hear things are so rough! It sounds like taking a break was working really well for a little while, maybe you just haven’t found that balance yet? It’s good for your mental health not to be thinking about stuff all the time, but maybe you need a little more reflection time to navigate things than you’ve had. Please don’t feel bad, I think we’ve all been there! You will figure it out. I’m really sorry to hear they took you to ER for severe dissociation, that’s so stressful and embarrassing. 😦

      • Ha, that sounds familiar 😛 I’m the same, but on the other hand I also shift direction quickly so my version of balance is something like a boat ‘tacking into the wind’ ie I overbalance wildly in one direction and then the other, alternating. It’s not perfect, but it seems to work for me. I wonder if you could work with the therapist on how to recognise and engage severe dissociation together so that the ER visit doesn’t happen again? I imagine wondering if that might be the end result of a session would increase your anxiety quite a bit!

        • Oh, we’re working on it with our therapist. Over the years it’s happened far too many times to count. If it happens again in the near future I’m likely to need to look into a hospital admission to do some more intense therapy, and get back on track. Working on hard stuff, and accidentally being triggered so badly is horrible. At least in hospital they don’t have to cart me off to emergency – they just have to get me back to my room. 🙂

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