I’ve been feeling ever so content with life recently. There are still ups and downs, still tears, fear, and anxiety, but they don’t linger and I can manage them safely. My life, for the first time ever, actually feels normal.
That confuses me a little because, really, my life is far from normal. I live with both chronic mental and physical conditions. I can’t do all I want, when I want because various aspects of each condition put restraints on that. In saying that, my mental health is potentially better than it’s ever been!
I still have to deal with what I refer to as the chaos of DID. Truthfully though, it’s not always chaotic. If I persist with maintaining communication, the chaos can be lessened. Any stress that I don’t or can’t work through on my own will always trigger chaos. Other parts will take over and do what they think is necessary to survive. Unfortunately most don’t realise that it’s 2013, that we’re safe now, and that there’s no need for self-destruction. DID, as well as life, is something that needs to be taken one moment at a time.
I think spending a few weeks in hospital back in July was the most helpful thing I’ve ever done. I did work through some memories that I’d never been able to on an outpatient basis, and that was the plan for the admission. So I achieved what I set out to achieve, which is great, but there’s been lots of other little changes since that admission. Lots of positives, and far more than I imagined. All of that is for another time though.
The other little thing getting in the way of all I want to do is ME/CFS. I can have as many ideas and plans as I want, but if I’ve done too much, pushed myself too hard in the previous days, all plans are off. I’ve learnt to plan my days, weeks, even months very, very carefully. I have a decent idea of how much I can do without wearing myself out, and I have to stick to that. Being super careful about how much I do, along with medication, and generally looking after myself means that I’m feeling better than I have in a long time.
Over all – life is pretty damn awesome. I feel ever so content with my life as it is. I know I can manage the little things that come up, and I know I have support for the bigger things. My friends and family love me, I’m still able to hold down a job, I’m studying (BA Anthropology & Psychology) and love it.
The best bit – the things I tend to have a whinge about now are little things. That just shows how good things are. If there was anything really wrong, that’s what I’d be complaining about!