More Excuses.

I, once again, haven’t written here for quite some time. I have many, many excuses but none, in my mind, really cut it. I am disappointed that I no longer update this blog as regularly as I’d like to.

Life has been busy, fun, chaotic and exhausting. My medications have been changed – the Prozac lowered and the Seroquel increased. This was in the hope that the hypomania would settle and I’d be able to get some decent sleep. Unfortunately, since lowering the Prozac, I’ve crashed rather dramatically.

I spent three nights at a respite facility last week for people with a mental illness. This was planned and I’ve been to this place before and do enjoy it. However, this time, it didn’t go so smoothly. After staying up with some other clients at the night worker to watch a scary movie I dissociated.

Not only did I dissociate, I became catatonic – unable to move, talk, anything. Gone. Completely unresponsive. This isn’t new, it has happened before, but regardless of how often it happens – it sucks. The same thing happened the following night (minus the scary movie) and again the following morning.

The third time the respite manager called an ambulance. I was unresponsive to my usual grounding techniques – lavender oil and an ice pack against my feet. Neither had any real effect. The paramedics were unable to get any response from inflicting horribly painful sternum rubs and finger squeezing. I could hear all that was being said but was locked inside my head.

I spent a few hours in the emergency department of the local hospital and was allowed home after being assessed by psych triage. Since then… I’ve barely been present for more than an hour or two at a time. I keep spacing out… staring blankly, becoming lost in my thoughts or switching. Different alters have been out all weekend.

I haven’t ever (I don’t think) experienced such a constant and ongoing level of dissociation. I also can’t sleep through the night without extra seroquel. It makes me fuzzy in the morning… but constant waking throughout the night is draining and leaves me even more prone to dissociation.

I’m still managing to work. I have no idea how. I can, to an extent, zone out at work. Auto-pilot really. It’s just a little difficult because I work with people I consider friends. These people have known me for a few years and, although most know what’s going on, it’s hard to explain why I’m off. Disant. Confused. I have to be very careful not to switch at work. The teens, I think, would abuse customers and most of the littles would be scared of them! Mark and Molly are fine… and Mark is excellent at getting things done.

I’m working fifteen hours this week and I highly doubt I’m going to be fully present for even half that time. We do, it seems, have this amazing ability to continue functioning despite being in complete chaos inside. I don’t know how we do it. We survive.

I’ve also been offered another week at respite. The manager feels terrible that I had such a rough time there and has offered me another stay before they close… for free! I feel very, very lucky to be able to go back and I am looking forward to it. I’ll need to be more prepared next time though.

So… that’s what’s been happening. That’s why this blog is quiet and may continue to be quiet for some time.

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4 thoughts on “More Excuses.

  1. I’m sorry things have been so hard. That level of dissociation sounds terrifying. I hope when you return things are a bit better and you can get more of a respite. Good luck xx

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