I’ve greatly surprised myself in the last week or so – I’ve functioned normally. As a normal human being. I’ve been busy working, cleaning, tidying, socialising, sleeping. Normal stuff. I’ve had energy to do all of this. I haven’t wanted to stay in bed all day because that seems incredibly boring!
This is an absolutely massive change from a month ago. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to go out. Spending time with my friends was a huge effort and 100% exhausting. I didn’t want to go to work and I certainly didn’t give a flying fuck about cleaning. At my lowest point (this time around) I wanted to die and that seemed entirely logical. It made sense to spend my days planning how to end my life – the when, where and how. All the details including “goodbye” letters to loved ones.
Things are very different now. After my week of extreme hyper-ness and excessive energy it’s settled down into what feels “normal”. I have much more energy and motivation than I used to, but not an excessive amount. I still struggle to settle and slow down at times, but mostly it’s manageable. I do still feel low… but it’s not overpowering and all consuming.
My psychologist is concerned about possible Bipolar Disorder underlying my extreme reaction to SSRI antidepressants. I’m not terribly fussed but if she can organise a consult the psychiatrist I’ve seen before, I’ll follow it up. I’ve seen him before and he was the one who officially diagnosed the DID. Absolutely awesome psychiatrist…. there are very few doctors I will say that about! My psychologist did say she’d get in touch with him to see what he thought so I’ll see where it goes from there.
The change in me is quite miraculous really. Some have suggested that perhaps I wasn’t terribly depressed beforehand, hence the extreme reaction. I’d debate that I was very depressed though. I was struggling to work, rarely left my bed or the house, didn’t spend time with friends, quit uni, planned my death and funeral. I also remind everyone that I’d taken this same SSRI medication for five years before trying it again this time around. I don’t understand how I can have had no issues in the past and then this!
Although, I’m not complaining too much! The change is welcome, despite it feeling odd. I’m spending the weekend with a friend who lives a couple of hours from me. Normally I’d be too consumed by anxiety to do this and too overwhelmed by depression to even contemplate leaving my house for more than a few hours. This is also a friend I’ve rarely spent time with in person. But right now – loving it! I feel safe, comfortable, confident and will be a little sad to go home… although getting back to my own bed will still be lovely!
Life is looking up and I like it.