It’s been quite a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s the same old story – life is feeling hard and overwhelming. This has me in hiding in bed, avoiding life, and trying to sleep away the uncomfortable emotions.
It’s not all bad though – I’ve been laughing and smiling as well! Although most of that was after starting an anti-depressant. I was on Prozac (Fluoxetine) for five or so years from age eighteen. I was off and on it in that time. I’d become certain that I didn’t need the medication and stop taking, only to have to start it again after becoming suicidal. This time around though – very different side effects.
Two days in and I was off my face – hyper, laughing, amused by everything and so unbelievably full of energy! It’s settled somewhat. I’m no longer off-my-face-happy, but still have a lot of energy. This is mostly okay – it means I get much more done. My bedroom has been cleaned, including the wardrobe and under the bed. Projects I’d been putting off have been done. Everything. Done. Clean. Tidy. Organised.
It gets slightly frustrating having so much energy. I get so frustrated because I can’t still sit and focus on one thing. My mind constantly flits between so many things. I’m up and down whilst watching a TV show because I just can’t sit still!
Despite the crapness going on, I don’t want this to be a depressing post!
I think things are finally coming together, in terms of treatment, anyway. Therapy is still going ahead as always. I have plenty to work on there – lots of internal communication and trauma stuff. In terms of more practical things and skills building – that is definitely looking up.
I’m being referred to a (free) group program for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (which I do not have) that is based around Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I have to be assessed as having BPD and ensure that the DID side of things won’t interfere with group work before any of it can happen. The BPD diagnosis is one I completely disagree with, but one that my public team first gave me and one I haven’t been able to get rid of.
So that’s one program. The other is a Psychiatric Disability Rehabilitation and Support Service that mostly has more social based activities as well as a few support-type groups. Apparently they do some one-on-one work as well which would be useful. I tend not to like group based things in the public mental health system simply because most people who go are quite a bit older than me, less educated, more entrenched in being unwell… and that tends to drag me down, frustrate and bore me. I’m not writing these people off – they’re generally quite lovely. It’s just… I don’t tend to fit in with them very well.
There’s also a short term (one to four weeks) residential program that I’ve been referred to. It would give me some time and space to do some internal work and get much more of a routine going. I know it will take quite a while to get into this place though. There are limited spaces and a waiting list. It’s an okay program though. I’ve been to one before, just a different location. You’re allowed plenty of freedom and can mostly come and go as you please. Last time I was able to work a little bit and continue to see my psychologist. The freedom is fantastic – much less restrictive than being in hospital but the support is still there. Mostly going there would allow me to create a routine, get it into practice, and give me some time out plus extra support.
The other thing that’s happening is a respite program I’ve been to before. I was put on their waiting list and they called me yesterday offering me a place in August! Unfortunately they’re closing their doors at the end of September because the house they’re in is being sold. I was told they’d be running another respite program, but as yet, they don’t know where. So I have four days in August where I get to have a break and have fun – cooking and cleaning are done for me, activities are decided as a group and it’s generally lots of fun! Although, it’s the same deal with the type of people that go there. I’m always the youngest. Almost always the most highly educated. Almost always the only person who’s had therapy or is currently in therapy. I still like it though!
So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m going to try really, really hard to write more regularly, but we’ll see how that goes!