So after months of ignoring everyone inside… I’ve been flooded with wants, needs, random chatter and memories. I know that this is how it works. Ignoring alters for months on end, even though it’s easier, will result in a complete outpouring of everything at some point. Three of the girls were out one night chatting to a trusted friend online. I honestly don’t remember much of what was said and don’t want to. I could go through my history if I really wanted to know. Miss 5, Miss 7 and Miss 12 were all out and talking. Miss 7, I don’t remember much about, and I don’t actually remember much of what she was talking about. Absolutely no idea. Miss 5 just wanted to talk, I think, cos she loves my friend. It’s quite cute. Miss 12, I remember, talked about some of her issues. I know she has some OCD issues. Seriously. She calls them patterns. She has to make patterns to make things okay. I don’t remember much else. After that… I think I tried to sleep but that didn’t happen. We ended up sitting on my bed, crying, scared and being flooded with bits and pieces of memories. Uncool. I couldn’t settle. The littles were scared and nothing was soothing them. This was where we ended up:
I helped the littles set it up… then I was gone for a couple of hours and woke up in my wardrobe with the doors closed and only the moonlights (blue lights) in my fish tank on. My wardrobe is big, but there was nowhere near enough space in there and despite my doona being doubled up on the floor it was so uncomfortable. I snapped the photo once I was back, before moving all the bedding back to my oh-so-comfortable bed. In other news my poor, worn out teddy bear is going to be taken to be cleaned and re-stuffed tomorrow. In all fairness, this bear isn’t really mine anymore. Miss 5 claimed it long ago! A friend bought it for me to take to therapy. She’d occasionally pick me up after sessions and I’d sit in her car hugging a giant Cheer Bear (care bear) she had. So… she bought me my own. However, after less than four years of owning this poor bear she is slightly worn out. She is my therapy bear and comes to every session. She sits on my bed each night, sometimes the littles hug her. Damn it, I’m twenty-four and hug my teddy when I feel crap!
So in preparation for Cheer Bear “going away” I’ve gotten Misty out. Misty is Miss 7’s doll that I bought her whilst I was at respite last February. Miss 7 felt guilty asking for anything and doesn’t feel she deserves to have anything of her own. We were walking past a store up on the mountain and she spied this doll at the very back of the store, sitting on a shelf with other hand made dolls. I made her look at others but she didn’t want any of them.
So I’m hoping everyone will be okay with Misty for now. Generally Misty (and all the other soft toys) are in a box in the wardrobe. Miss 7 refuses to play with Misty, has wanted to cut her up, burn her and throw her out. I’ve persisted in keeping her though because I know Misty is special to Miss 7. I’m working on the stick out fringe thing too… that’s completely bugging both her and me! I’m also rather unwell at the moment. I’m eating and drinking much, much more, but my body is struggling. I’ve been so completely exhausted that words can’t describe it. I’ve spent the last two days in bed resting. Today was slightly better and I got much more done but I’ve spent hours napping. Being physically unwell really helps me get more on track with eating more and eating more healthily. I’ve gone back to taking my multivitamin, vitamin D, calcium and iron tablets again in the hope that something will help with energy. I do need to go grocery shopping though – there’s very little food left in the house! I’ll be buying food in the next couple of days, regardless of energy, because I really, really, need food!