I’ve spent three days in bed. I did have plans, I honestly did. I was going to chill at home for one day then go shopping on one of my other free days. I’ve done none of it. I showered because a friend told me to. I only got dressed today because I sold something on gumtree and the guy was coming to pick it up.
I haven’t experienced depression like this for two years. Not this overpowering and ongoing. I can’t find words to describe it. I don’t want to get up and do things. I don’t want to leave the house. Showering is an unbelievable effort… and why bother if Im not going out? Being awake is emotionally painful. The thoughts in my head are exhausting, demanding, draining.
I fall asleep with the overwhelming urge to self-harm. I wake with that same urge. In the last couple of weeks I have self-harmed. I’m ashamed. I regret doing it. I hate that I’m going to have to hide what I’ve done under tubi-grip until the damage fades. I feel weak that I have given into self-harming in order to cope. It’s disappointing.
The ED behaviours fill me with disappointment as well. I don’t like that I’m engaging in so many self-destructive behaviours. I’m not proud of it. Yet at the same time it feels like these behaviours are keeping me alive. As obscure as it sounds, engaging in less fatal behaviours stops me from doing something more permanent. Maybe that is warped, twisted, depressive thinking but that is how I see it.
The next few days are going to be busy. I have therapy tomorrow, an appointment with my case manager and psych registrar on Tuesday morning, then my GP on Tuesday afternoon. I am rostered to work on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday to Sunday are free, for now.
Right now I do not know how I will get through this week. I’ll survive. That’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s just that it’s not easy right now.
Fuck depression. Fuck eating disorders. Fuck abuse and trauma and all the bad shit that goes on in this world! None of it is fair and none of it is okay!