“Worn out” doesn’t even come close to how I’m feeling at the moment. I slept for ten hours last night, yet woke up with absolutely no energy.
I’ve worked ten hours over two days. Each day I’ve had the equivalent of four or five energy drinks. ZERO effect. Seriously. I think my body has had enough. Even though I’ve eaten more in the last week than the previous two combined, my body is not happy.
I want to say that I don’t know what to do… but I think I do know. I think I need to be eating more food and more regularly. I need to cut out the energy drinks, the diet pills and the appetite suppressants. That is just to get my body functioning properly.
For my mind? I need to make some changes. I need to…. Well, I’m not sure. I probably need some pharmaceutical help for the depression. I need to do a lot of internal work to help settle things inside. I need… I don’t even know what else.
It’s safe to say that I am most definitely not okay. I’ve worked this week because I’ve been feeling physically better. I’ve smiled, laughed, and joked with customers and work mates. Now I am about to cry. I can’t smile anymore.
I am thankful that I have three days now with nothing planned. Tomorrow will most certainly be a bed day. The other days, right now, will also be bed days. I don’t want to see people because I don’t have the emotional energy left to pretend to be happy, together and okay. I’m not. Not at all.
If I could flick a switch that would allow me to die when I next fall asleep… I would. I don’t want to keep going right now. At some point I know this will pass… Yet I know that the depression is extremely likely to return.
My mood does vary at the moment. It moves slightly up and down… From desperately wanting to die to being able to smile for a few moments. I suppose it’s a plus that I’m not constantly wanting to kill myself. If it were like that I’m certain I would have attempted suicide already. As it is.. the plans that have been created keep me from acting on anything right now.
Self-harming is also allowing me to maintain my sanity. That might sound odd so let me explain. Self-harming, even restricting and binging helps make the overwhelming mess is my head more tolerable for a short time. It’s keeping me from acting on anything more life threatening
I know this is a depressing post, but honestly – I’m sick of saying I’m okay, that things will work out, get better etc. Right now it’s shit. “Shit” doesn’t even come close. I don’t have words for the level of emotional, psychological, whatever, pain that I’m in.