It’s funny how you can be doing something for quite a period of time, be aware that you’re doing it, but still be some what shocked, puzzled and confused when the consequences hit you.
The following does discuss eating disorder thoughts and behaviours.
It may be triggering.
I know what happens when I restrict (consciously or not) my food and fluid intake. I know that I will feel physically terrible at some point. I know that loads of caffeine will make my heart rate soar, cause chest pain and generally make me feel rubbish.
I know all of that, yet when it happens I’m shocked. I didn’t think it would happen. I didn’t think anything I was doing was “that bad”. I haven’t had “that much” caffeine.
Logically I’m very aware of behaviours, consequences and the risks. That would be why, when I’m well, that I don’t do those things. I don’t want to feel unwell, so I don’t engage int he behaviours that make me feel unwell.
That doesn’t mean that I’m engaging in current behaviours in order to feel unwell. I don’t like feeling so physically crap. It sucks. It’s not what I want at all.
Today has been rubbish physically. I, somehow, didn’t think I should feel so unwell given my behaviours. Yeah, not eating heaps but still eating. Fluids? Oh yeah, I’ve had a bit to drink, think it’ll do. But no. Body say no.
My body says “Stop. Stop starving me. Stop with the ridiculous amounts of caffeine. Stop restricting fluids. Just stop!”
I’ve tried today. I’ve felt so rubbish that I’ve really tried. Aside from my sugar free energy drinks, diet pills and appetite suppressants, I’ve had very little. I’m working on the fluids. Sipping cordial is an enormous effort. Sugar free cordial of course.
I don’t know the way out of this. I can explain what’s going on in my head. I can explain all the reasoning behind the thoughts and behaviours. What I’m struggling with is changing the behaviours. To be perfectly honest – I have very little interest in changing the behaviours.
I do want to. I want to be well. I don’t want to physically struggle like this and I know that can get worse. it’s just… the thought of eating. It’s like this – being woken early by someone pulling the curtains open to bright sunshine. You roll over, curl up, pull the covers over your head and block it out.
That’s what it’s like. Just without any intense emotion. I don’t feel like eating. I don’t particularly want to either because I gained weight yesterday and that does freak me out slightly. Part of me just doesn’t care enough about life to try to eat more.
I don’t know what is going to happen this time around. Last time (towards the end of last year) I snapped myself out of it. I still don’t know how. None of the professionals I see can offer any insight on it either. It just changed.
How long before that happens this time? How sick do I get before I start caring enough to push through it and give my body what it needs?