The following does touch on suicidal thoughts and ED behaviours in a very broad way – it may be triggering.
I’ve been debating what to write here. It’s not appropriate to write about everything.
I’m not well. I won’t lie about that. I’m smiling, I’m laughing, I’m joking, but I am not okay.
I saw my psychologist and GP this week. I think the session with my psychologist was useful, but when I came home I sort of snapped. Sort of. I don’t remember the specific moment. I just know that things changed. Any positivity or realistic optimism I had disappeared. It didn’t fade. It was just gone.
I came to the conclusion that I would never be able to finish university. Four years of study in total. If I ever got through that, which I wouldn’t, I would never be able to work. I would never be functional enough to do so. So, well, if I can’t work, then why study? The decision has been made to quit university all together. I still have to organise this.
It goes on from there – If I can’t work, can’t do what I want to do and studying is pointless (despite getting some enjoyment from it) – then why bother with anything? I moved on to the logical (in my mind) conclusion that I need to die. That, well, there isn’t actually any reason to live.
I spent hours thinking, writing, planning. None of it was particularly useful.
The only issue with all of this was that I saw my GP on Tuesday. She has a bit of a routine she goes through. Asks how I am to begin with and then seems to have the same set of questions for me each time. Mood? Thought of self-harm? Any self-harm? Thoughts of suicide? Sometimes a question about food and/or fluids, but usually only after she’s seen my BP and/or heart rate are off.
It turns out, quite logically, I suppose, that answering “yes” to having thoughts of suicide makes things a hell of a lot more complicated. I explained that I only had thoughts. I had no means of taking any action. Further questions landed me in deeper water. My GP called my case manager with the public team I see whilst I was sitting there. She demanded that the crisis team be involved because, apparently, I wasn’t safe.
My case manager wanted to talk to me herself so I had to go and sit in an empty office and wait for her to call. I explained the same things to her that I did to my GP. I still got the crisis team. I had a couple of phone calls from them over the public holiday here and that’s it. Nothing more. I had to see my GP again after my case manager spoke to me. It just got worse. My heart rate was too high and my GP wanted to know why. I don’t lie. Usually. There’s no point in lying.
I’d had a stupid amount of caffeine from sugar free energy drinks and diet pills. I was asked if I wanted to have a heart attack. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t say that, actually, that would be a blessing. She moved on to asking if I wanted to be a vegetable after having a heart attack. “No.” I was then reminded of the risks of starvation, dehydration and excessive caffeine. My arguments were met with nothing but pure logic and fact. She asked to see me in a week. I have an appointment before work next Wednesday.
I’m not sure where to from here. I just don’t know. I see all of my team next week. I have no clue how that will go. Although, how it goes really rests in my hands. I can make choices, can, in theory, change my behaviour so that decisions aren’t made for me.