Unwell

The following does touch on suicidal thoughts and ED behaviours in a very broad way – it may be triggering.

 

 

 

 

I’ve been debating what to write here. It’s not appropriate to write about everything.

I’m not well. I won’t lie about that. I’m smiling, I’m laughing, I’m joking, but I am not okay.

I saw my psychologist and GP this week. I think the session with my psychologist was useful, but when I came home I sort of snapped. Sort of. I don’t remember the specific moment. I just know that things changed. Any positivity or realistic optimism I had disappeared. It didn’t fade. It was just gone.

I came to the conclusion that I would never be able to finish university. Four years of study in total. If I ever got through that, which I wouldn’t, I would never be able to work. I would never be functional enough to do so. So, well, if I can’t work, then why study? The decision has been made to quit university all together. I still have to organise this.

It goes on from there – If I can’t work, can’t do what I want to do and studying is pointless (despite getting some enjoyment from it) – then why bother with anything? I moved on to the logical (in my mind) conclusion that I need to die. That, well, there isn’t actually any reason to live.

I spent hours thinking, writing, planning. None of it was particularly useful.

The only issue with all of this was that I saw my GP on Tuesday. She has a bit of a routine she goes through. Asks how I am to begin with and then seems to have the same set of questions for me each time. Mood? Thought of self-harm? Any self-harm? Thoughts of suicide? Sometimes a question about food and/or fluids, but usually only after she’s seen my BP and/or heart rate are off.

It turns out, quite logically, I suppose, that answering “yes” to having thoughts of suicide makes things a hell of a lot more complicated. I explained that I only had thoughts. I had no means of taking any action. Further questions landed me in deeper water. My GP called my case manager with the public team I see whilst I was sitting there. She demanded that the crisis team be involved because, apparently, I wasn’t safe.

My case manager wanted to talk to me herself so I had to go and sit in an empty office and wait for her to call. I explained the same things to her that I did to my GP. I still got the crisis team. I had a couple of phone calls from them over the public holiday here and that’s it. Nothing more. I had to see my GP again after my case manager spoke to me. It just got worse. My heart rate was too high and my GP wanted to know why. I don’t lie. Usually. There’s no point in lying.

I’d had a stupid amount of caffeine from sugar free energy drinks and diet pills. I was asked if I wanted to have a heart attack. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t say that, actually, that would be a blessing. She moved on to asking if I wanted to be a vegetable after having a heart attack. “No.” I was then reminded of the risks of starvation, dehydration and excessive caffeine. My arguments were met with nothing but pure logic and fact. She asked to see me in a week. I have an appointment before work next Wednesday.

I’m not sure where to from here. I just don’t know. I see all of my team next week. I have no clue how that will go. Although, how it goes really rests in my hands. I can make choices, can, in theory, change my behaviour so that decisions aren’t made for me.

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4 thoughts on “Unwell

  1. I can’t imagine and I am not going to pretend I do. This is just to say I am reading your blog and sorry to hear things have come so unwound for you. Baby steps…I remember telling my ex to take baby steps when she told me how she was going to suicide for the 12th time.

  2. When I was in my first year of university, I nearly quitted, quite a few times. But then I tried to get myself to stop worrying about the future. “What if I can’t finish” “What if I don’t get a job afterwards”. I know it’s easy to say but 4 years is a long time and by the end of that road you may be in a very different place. Why judge whether you can finish/get a job already?

  3. Sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I know the feeling of being stuck, the feeling that you won’t be able to achieve what you want to achieve. I know what a difficult place that is to be in. I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but things can shift and things can change down the line. Even though you may not be able to work at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean that you will never be able to, even though I know it feels that way. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to university and getting a degree simply because you enjoy learning. Perhaps this is still an option for you at some point?

    Hoping things get better for you real soon.

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