The following post does touch on ED thoughts and behaviours. It may be triggering.
Right now, right now nothing disgusts me more than the site of my naked body. Even my clothed body. I look on in sorrow, regret and despair and then turn away.
I don’t understand how I can find my own body so repulsive now when I have lost approximately 20kg (44 pounds). I was very overweight. I was, technically, morbidly obese. Now I just fall in to the “obese” category, based on BMI.
I desperately want to get to my goal weight. This isn’t some ridiculously low number that would have me at a BMI of 15 or something stupid. No. It’s the top of my healthy weight range. The f’ing top.
I’m not meant to be big. My body isn’t meant to be huge. I have a small build…. but I’m fat. I’m so ginormously, grossly, disgustingly overweight. I hate it. HATE.
I’ve had drastic plans forming in my head tonight. This amount of diet pills, with that amount of appetite suppressants, this many energy drinks and just that amount of food. That will make me lose weight. Fucking rapidly. It’s just a matter of sticking to it. If only I had more determination, more stamina. If only I wasn’t so fucking weak.
There’s a lot of anger in me right now. I don’t know where it’s coming from. Restricting usually comes down to controlling something. I do have ideas on what. There are a few stressors in my life right now. Restricting is a way to cope with them… although, not a good one.
Do I want to prevent it this time? Hell no. I’m diving in. I want to lose.
In saying that… I try to remember that losing weight isn’t going to fix anything.
I will leave you all with this song – “It’s Okay to Be Happy” by Jenni Schaefer. Her music is inspirational and has given me hope in dark times. I have a signed CD from her which is a truly treasured possession.