Fading.

I don’t know how the heck I end up in such awkward, embarrassing and difficult situations.

Let’s start with last night. I decided to call my helpline counsellor, just to chat about what’d been happening, get my thoughts more sorted. That… that, didn’t happen.

I got to discuss all the ED stuff. My fears, my concerns, how to get on top of it all. I think we’d been talking for about fifty minutes when I began to fade out. I remember looking at the fish in my tank and saying yes to questions. I figured I’d end the call and curl up in bed to sleep. Except I faded so quickly I wasn’t with it enough to end the call.

I don’t quite remember what happened after that. It’s all very fuzzy. I think my counsellor tried to help ground me but I don’t think that worked. I remember her saying she thought she needed to call someone. “Someone” meaning an ambulance. Not cool.

I remember Miss 12 being out. Eventually she told our counsellor her name and how old she was. I don’t know how that went down. Our counsellor suggested we turn on the webcam on our computer. We’d talked about grounding before and sometimes, just sometimes, seeing my reflection is useful. This time – no.

Miss 12 stared. Just stared. The image from the camera was showing someone with brown hair. Brown hair. Brown. She doesn’t have brown hair. It’s blonde. I think she told our counsellor this. I don’t remember the response.

Some time after that our phone cut out. No clue why. I was there enough to know to call back or risk the service pulling duty of care and calling an ambulance. Apparently I sounded more present when we called back. All talk of duty of care was dropped.

After that… nightmare. Miss 12 insisted she wasn’t allowed to get up from my bed or have her feet touch the floor. She insisted she would get in trouble if she did. This was the point where memories started leaking in. Images. Sounds. Conversations. Fear. Terror. Tears.

Miss 12 was also really confused about where we live. She insisted that she had to go back to our old house where I lived with my parents. Problem. A) that’s a four hour flight plus a two hour drive away. B) My parents don’t live there anymore C) A twelve year old in a twenty-something year old’s body, wandering the suburbs, insistent on finding her house would almost certainly result in being sectioned.

I’m not sure what happened for the evening. When we called back our helpline counsellor she reminded us to take our night meds – we did that. At some point fatigue hit, I became more present and settled down to sleep.

Today I’ve settled down some but feel pretty miserable. I’m doing what I can to eat and drink enough. I truly just want to curl up in bed, under the covers and sleep the days away. It’s avoidance. Serious, serious avoidance. I don’t know what I’m avoiding. At a guess – painful and/or uncomfortable emotions. That would make sense.

Also have no idea why Miss 12 was out last night. I don’t understand. I’m tired and confused. I want to throw myself straight into study… which is also avoidance, although study does need to be done.

Someone, fix me, please?

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