This entry discusses ED thoughts and behaviours in general terms. Please read with caution if this is triggering to you.
Have you ever noticed how lots of little things can add up to make one big thing? Like, lots of tiny annoying things build up until you just snap at someone?
That’s what’s been happening. Except, it’s not tiny annoying things building up. It’s all the thoughts around weight loss, dieting, thinness, being healthy and the subtle, yet innocent, things said in passing conversation from others.
“That won’t make you anorexic.” was said to me regarding the diet hot chocolate I was drinking. So that means it’s going to make me gain weight. That the company is lying about the nutrition information and that it really does contains a ridiculous amount of sugar. They lied about the total calories. The whole thing, on its own, will make me gain weight. Oh heck, I’m already overweight. I can’t gain more weight.
I finished the hot chocolate.
I’m not sure when I began eating more “normally” again. Definitely towards the end of January. By then I was out of medical danger and much more on track, but my memory is fuzzy. Since then I’ve maintained my weight. That hasn’t stopped me feeling that I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. It’s completely ridiculous because I’ve lost a large amount of weight (in mostly healthy ways) over the last year or so. I’m smaller than I have been in a long time, yet I feel bigger, more oafish, more clumsy, more…. more fat than I ever have.
In recent weeks I’ve been telling myself that I need to go back to losing weight. I’ve announced to people (workmates, customers, friends, professionals) that I am back on the diet! Time to get going with the weight loss again. Lose more, be better. The diet started on Monday. I haven’t counted calories. I did weigh and measure myself but that hasn’t become a daily obsession again. I reasoned that I had to know what I weighed in order to see if my efforts were effective or not. Well, if they were effective enough.
I want to diet without it becoming dangerous and disordered. I’ve been reminded recently, by others, how unwell I was when the ED made a come back late last year. I don’t remember it very well. I don’t remember it with the fear, the worry, the seriousness that others seem to have.
I think that because I’m aware of the path I’m looking down, that I should be able to stop it from happening. It certainly isn’t as clear cut as that, but I know there are things I can do. I can focus on eating three decent meals a day. That is a must. I don’t have time to be unwell again. I have work. More importantly – I have uni. I love uni. Study is my passion! Well, psych is my passion, lol, so studying psych is part of that.
Someone inside is creating challenges. See how much weight we can lose in x amount of time. See how long we can go without eating/drinking. Tests. The more you lose, the longer you go, the closer you are to winning. It’s insane. I really need to get this sorted. Stomp out their destructive behaviour and get on with my life….
…after I get my assignment submitted tomorrow at 12pm. Once that’s done… then I’ll have time.