Writing this post is also procrastination, but I have lots to say and wanted to keep the heavier stuff separate from the lighter stuff.
I’m sick and that’s just not cool. Not when there’s a long weekend and socialising to be done. I saw my lovely, lovely GP this morning though and have antibiotics. I’ve been seeing this GP since 2007, I think, when I was still at the ED clinic I went to. Longest I’ve ever, ever, ever seen anyone.
Usually I get to the one year mark with most professionals and one of several things usually happens. a) they refer me on because they don’t have the skills/knowledge etc. to work with me. b) I move away (interstate our out of the catchment) c) they leave. d) I decide to stop seeing them.
It’s mostly been a and c that’s happened since I started therapy nearly eight years ago. Oh wow, eight years. Woah.
I’ve seen… many, many people.
2004: High school chaplain (M), CAMHS psychologist (I). CAMHS psychiatrist.
2005: CAMHS psychologist (I), CAMHS psychiatrist.
2006: CMHC case manager (E) and psychologist (C), ED clinic psychologist (J) and two different dietitians, psychiatrist (Dr. M), two different GP’s.
2007: ED clinic psychologist (J), a third dietitian (J) and group at the clinic with my dietitian and another (Z), started seeing current GP (G).
2008: Group at the ED clinic with J and Z, Random psychologist, two different psychiatrists.
2009: Counsellor (V), psychologist (H), CMHC case manager (F), registrar and psychiatrist.
2010: CMHC new case manager (K) (registrars and psychiatrist changing regularly).
2011: New CMHC team at new clinic, switched clinics again so another new team.
So I’ve seen many, many, many people. That list doesn’t include once off appointments with people’s replacements or registrars, psychiatrists, psychologists I’ve seen in hospital. It doesn’t include the many helpline counsellors I’ve had contact with since I was at least sixteen.
Some people I’ve seen have been crap, some have been useful. The public teams (CAMHS and CMHC) have tended to be rather average, although my CAMHS psychologist was really lovely and I did a lot of work with her.
I had a discussion the other night with one of my current helpline counsellors (read phone counsellor because I don’t usually call in crisis) about people leaving. Professionals. The constant changes to my team.
I appear to cope well with it. I’ve sort of learnt to get over it… except I really don’t. It hurts when people leave. Once it gets to one year with anyone I think I, unconsciously, start withdrawing and holding back. They’re bound to leave. Bound to. Everyone else has.
Can anyone say “abandonment issues”? *sigh*
I don’t let myself get close to anyone because, in my head, that means I will be hurt. I know that’s not logical or realistic but that’s how it is in my head. I always seem to do okay working with new people, but I never actually end up working on any of the big stuff.
I don’t talk about the big stuff. Sometimes I write, but mostly it stays inside. It’s so locked up inside now that I don’t know how to unlock it. I think some of my alters, as well as me, flatly refuse to believe that anyone we work with is going to stick around long enough for us to actually work on anything. That’s really not helpful though.
Oh my… my mind is such a tangled and complicated mess at the moment. I’m going to leave it there so I can get ready for work and pick up my antibiotics before I start.