So it seems shit has been hitting the fan, it’s just that I’ve been completely unaware of it.
I went out today to buy some plastic drawers to fit in my fish cabinet. I knew I had $45 in my account so didn’t bother checking before I went out. The drawers were $17. I lined up to pay. I used my card, punched in the pin. “Insufficient funds”. I apologised profusely to the cashier and tried to transfer some money on my phone.
My phone is crap. It’s a replacement for the one I lost on holiday in Singapore last year. It was the cheapest, unlocked, 3G phone I could buy at the time. Using the internet on it is truly a painful experience. Turned out my phone wouldn’t let me transfer money. I left the store feeling really angry and pissed off. I walked home and checked my bank account on my computer.
I had a $40ish payment come out. I had no idea what for. The information provided stumped me. In a panic I called my bank and had the card cancelled. I was told the bank would launch their own investigation and I may get the money refunded. Relief!
It was fine until I did some digging. I went to the website in the account description. That puzzled me. Some kind of third party payment site. I dug some more and discovered what the payment was. An adult site. A subscription to an adult site.
I then went through and checked my bank statements. These payments have been coming out of my account since September 2010. A whopping total of $784.62.
Seriously – what the heck?!
I’ve heard stories of people with DID having weird stuff happen. Come to in a different suburb or town. New clothes int he wardrobe. Chores done that they don’t remember doing. All that stuff… I’ve never had anything major like that happen. At least, if it has happen I haven’t noticed.
This time… this time I found out. I am not impressed. I am majorly pissed off.
I know which alter it was and although she hasn’t admitted or denied it, I know it was her. Her attitude says it all. No denial, but calls me a prude and says I should “get over it”. Miss 19.
Miss 19 is one I don’t talk about much. Her role in the system makes me very, very uncomfortable. The things I know she did and the memories I know she has freak me out. She was the one who “pleased” my boyfriend…. when I had one back in my old town. She did what he wanted and I do remember some of it. She is the s*xual alter. She does all that stuff. She’s flirty. She checks people out.
There are words that upset me… the above, with the *, is one of them. There are many words. Most, I am not so sensitive to anymore. I can hear them in general conversation and not react in an extreme way. Still, thy are triggers.
In response to all of this I’ve wanted to do different things. Many things have entered my mind -self-harm, binging, restricting, drinking, walking (at night)… all the general things that can potentially put me in some danger. Not cool. I haven’t done anything. I don’t think I will and I’m doing what I can to stay safe. Anything that happens would be purely impulsive.
I’m just mad. So mad. “Mad” doesn’t even come close. I know I have DID but there’s never been anything huge that I don’t remember or am not aware of.
I feel insane. Completely insane.