I’m of the opinion that this week is a slack week. I’m off work, probably not going to uni, and have really done very little.
I feel so guilty for slowing down and for doing so very little. Now is the time though. I was already crumbling. I still am. I haven’t completely crumbled. I am still holding it together.
When I saw my psychologist on Monday she asked that I allow myself to fall apart instead of holding it all together. “Holding it together” is effectively avoiding. I have been avoiding for far too long. I discussed taking some time off work and “diving in” to the chaos inside. Dealing with it. No more avoiding.
I have the week off work after getting a medical certificate from my GP and approval from both her and my psychologist. I’m not 100% sure how I’m going to “do” this.
I started this afternoon by watching the DVD from my Grandma’s funeral. I blocked a lot of that out. Pushed it away. I put the DVD and cried for almost the entire time… half an hour of desperate, anguished sobbing.
The following photos are some of journaling we did tonight. I’ve switched it to black and white, mostly for my own interest – to see if I can pick who’s writing without looking at the colours we all use. We mostly write in different colours to make journaling easier, and easier to share with our psychologist.
So I’m thinking that tomorrow is going to be another rough day. Lots of listening, lots of processing, lots of resting (another post on psychological resting later).
I still have uni work to do, but I’ll let that slide for tomorrow. I have to take care of me and doing internal work is how I’m going to do that. Plus Mark is peeved with me… not that I’m a people (alter, lol) pleaser, but I know he’s right.