So.. chaos. Internal fucking chaos.
Lots of things happening. Things I don’t remember.
Woke up one morning. Macbook wouldn’t start. Just showed the apple logo and did nothing. Tech support call centre wasn’t open so was just waiting, left it on… twenty-fucking-minutes later… it starts. But then… then my touchpad won’t work. I tap, I don’t click. I had to click. Someone changed the damn settings. Overnight. I switched it back.
I use my phone to try to use facebook – there is a new ap. A “body massager”. Ffs. Miss 19. Miss 19 without a doubt. WHY?! It’s my money
Then I’m told I was a mod on a site I belonged to… Ummm… I knew I was but certain it was less than a week before I stepped down. No… much longer, apparently I loved it and did a great job. Umm…
Then… the jar of nutella. Sitting in the cupboard for a while after Miss 5 bought it… along with other junk. I randomly feel like a spoon every few days. Each time I’ve gone to the jar there is much less in there. Much, much less. She got the jar out this afternoon. I was there to begin with… when I came back – all gone. Scraped clean. Fml.
Last night… last night was a lovely evening with a friend for her birthday. Dinner out. Great people. Don’t do well with groups of people… overwhelming and hard to focus. So much conversation happening externally, plus everything inside.
Came home… a little out of it… very quickly faded further. I called my helpline knowing my counsellor was on. She helped get me grounded. Helped me work out what meds I’d taken, what I needed to take.. I couldn’t remember what I’d done. Was so confused. My name didn’t fit or feel right. My body felt too big. My feet looked massive.
I took my night meds.. started to fall asleep but someone inside was around. They signed on to msn. I don’t remember all of the conversation, and my phone doesn’t save it. There was talk of going outside to play and someone wanting to go play chicken on the road. I live near two main roads. Dangerous. Going out at night is completely against our rules. Not going out at night unless it’s with someone else. Someone external.
Woke up this morning. Wanted to hide. Didn’t want food or fluids. Nothing. Thankfully Miss 5 just eats… yay for her in times like this. I still feel sick though. Nausea is crap today. I don’t want to eat. I just want to curl up and make the world disappear.
I feel so confused. I don’t know what is wrong. I’m all spinny and switchy.
I don’t feel entirely grounded. Not 100% present. As long as we don’t leave the house we’ll be okay. It’s just hard. So fucking hard. I hate being dissociative. HATE.
Mad and sad and confused and tired.