This post does touch on self-harm and overdosing in very general terms. If these are triggering for you please do not read or read with caution.
Oh man… I can see this post turning in to a complete rant, which I don’t want. I’m tempted to just sleep on it and write tomorrow, but here goes.
Some of my team suck. They are crap. They don’t understand, don’t seem to care, don’t take the time to assess risk, don’t take me seriously and so much more. Urgh.
I have a wonderful psychologist. She gets DID. She understands trauma. She is kind, caring, gentle, serious when she needs to be and will do everything she can to keep us safe. I trust her.
My GP is also a wonderful woman. She takes the time to listen and care. She keeps an eye on my physical health which is mostly okay, but she does get mental health issues. Not completely, and I don’t expect her to… but she cares. She is genuine. She will also do what she can to keep us safe. I trust her her too.
My helpline counsellors – awesome. Well, the second one I don’t know very well yet but we’ll see how that goea. The first one is amazingly supportive, gentle and caring. She can adequately assess risk. She lets me ramble and explore things in a safe and non-confronting way.
Now the people who I don’t work well with – case manager, registrar and psychiatrist. We just don’t get a long. My case manager is the one I see most from that service. We don’t click. I have never trusted her. I don’t work on anything with her. I report my symptoms and leave again. My registrar and psychiatrist are basically the same.
I went to one appointment and let them know that alters were planning to overdose and/or self-harm. My psychiatrist sat there and wrote it down. My case manager and registrar (also in the room) sat and listened without adding a word. I told them that I felt it was likely this would happen, that I didn’t feel safe and was concerned about that. Nothing was said. No questions were asked. It was written down and I went on my way.
I don’t know if I remained safe. I don’t remember what happened. I know at some point after that someone inside did overdose. I told the team at the clinic this and that was written down.
I think because the BPD diagnosis (diag-nonsense!) has been given to me at some point that it really impacts how the people at these clinics treat me. I am seen, in light of this diagnosis, to be attention seeking and not taken seriously. My own concerns about self-harm are generally ignored. The current team do not assess risk. Ever. If I tell any of the rest of my team of the same concern there is risk assessment and discussion on safety plans and the like. I am grateful for that. That is useful.
I don’t think it’s useful to tell this team anything. I told my case manager today that with my parents arriving in Melbourne on Friday that I am at risk of an overdose or self-harm. I went on to say that I’m trying to stop those things from happening and do have some plans in place, but it’s likely to be rough. She said, today, that she’s sure I’ll get through it and be okay.
I like that she has faith in me but she also does not understand how… serious this is. She does not understand what an enormous trigger this is. The rest of my team and friends are concerned for my safety. I am concerned for my safety.
Haha… my case manager also said it was good I had lost weight. This was after she asked how my eating was. I said I’d been struggling to eat enough and had lost some weight because of it. I’m not actively trying to lose weight right now. I’m focussing on keeping my intake up and making sure I don’t slip down in to that ED mindset again. *head-desk* My case manager drives me insane.
My gosh… I just can’t stand the team at that clinic. I can’t. They drive me insane! I really, really need to find my own psychiatrist. That’s just a bit of effort and the good ones tend to be taken!
I suppose in having one really crap team it means I can learn what is not helpful for me. I now know that having people who can’t assess risk scares me and does not make me feel safe in working with them. I need to be able to trust people to help keep me safe when I can’t do that myself.
I need a team I can trust. Who I can be honest with about what’s happening otherwise it’s absolutely no use. I won’t get anywhere…. at all.
I need people who will take what I say seriously but also not over react either… a fine balance really.
So… with my parents arriving on Friday in my city I am going to be prepared. I am not going to see them. I am going to stay safe and I am not going to let them ruin the first half of the year for me.
We are safe and they can’t hurt us anymore.