Worn out.

The last week has sucked. Completely. Internal chaos. Losing lots of time. Physical pain. Plus work, grocery shopping, maintaining friendships, family stuff etc.

I don’t even know what to write.

It seems eating has become a bit of an issue. Although in the last two days I’ve made a conscious effort to increase my intake. I don’t remember what I was having before that. It’s a complete blur. I remember feeling dizzy and tired on Saturday or Sunday… it occurred to me then that maybe I hadn’t eaten or drunk enough.

I discussed it in therapy on Monday. Some inside are against eating. Well, Mr Late-teens is and poor Miss 12 is being brainwashed. She just follows rules. It doesn’t matter what the rules are, she will follow them because they are rules. Because rules are meant to be followed. Because you can’t break rules. I have lots of work to do around that and with Rex as well.

I have so much homework from therapy. Most not asked of me, but self-set. I have things I want to work on and explore. I haven’t done any of it yet. I haven’t done any journaling since my session yesterday. I am so exhausted.

I’m physically struggling.

It started on Saturday or Sunday… I truly don’t remember which day. Really mild chest pain. Figured I hadn’t drunk enough… don’t know if I drank more or not. By the time I got to my psychologist’s office I was wrecked. Short of breath, really tired, struggling to keep my eyes open and heart RACING. Oh, and did I mention the pain? That sucked too. Chest pain. Like I’ve had before with restrictive eating.

I had an appointment with my GP today and she has no clue what’s going on. I think I’m eating and drinking enough. I certainly have today… yet it makes absolutely no difference to the pain. My ECG was normal. I’m guessing my blood work will be normal too. My body is just weird. Like, seriously. I’ve reported so many symptoms in the last couple of years – had tests done, absolutely nothing wrong with me and eventually they go away. It’s frustrating though.

I’ve been told to keep away from caffeine again. Not cool. Very hard to do when I’m already exhausted. I know caffeine makes the pain worse. At work last Thursday I had two cans of sugar free red bull and had chest pain. I know too much caffeine does that to me. But none at all? Ouch.

I have this sneaking suspicion that someone inside is purging or taking diet pills. I have absolutely no proof of this and feel like a complete nutter saying it! I don’t know why I think this. I don’t know where it came from. I also don’t have anyone inside owning up to it.

I’d also be surprised if someone was purging or taking pills. I mean… I know I dissociate but even then I tend to be aware of big things going on. I’ve been aware of OD’s, of self-harm, of restricting. Purging… I really think I’d be aware of.

In terms of my Grandma.. and grieving, which I apparently am…. meh. I haven’t cried for a few days now. Makes a change from waking up each day and crying. I think I have pushed it all away. It’s just what I do. I don’t actually know how I do it or how not to do it. I know I’ll have to deal with it at some point.

My psychologist pointed out something interesting yesterday – that I keep people at a distance. She is so very right on that one. I don’t really let anyone in. I can think of one person who I regularly let in. I trust her. She knows (almost) everything about me. I’ve told her things I’ve told no one else. She’s the only person though.

Everyone else – might think they’re being let in because I tell them personal information. Generally though, that means nothing. I rarely feel like I connect with people. Not that I’d expect to really connect with everyone I meet. It’s just… yeah. I don’t let people in. It’s not about whether I enjoy spending time with people either… cos those I spend time with, I want to spend time with. I don’t waste my time on people I don’t like. It’s just… man… I hae trust issues. Very big trust issues.

My psychologist – I don’t let her in! I’ve been seeing her for two and a half years. Longer than I’ve worked with any other professional. Ever. Yet… she’s still kept at arms length. We don’t cry in front of her. don’t cry in front of her. I know some of the littles have. I don’t switch in sessions – that scares the crap out of me – I’m a control freak, and I still worry she’d judge.

It all just confuses and overwhelms me. I’m sitting here and just wanting to push it all away again. To not deal with it right now. Yet tomorrow I’ll be busy or tired… same the days after. It won’t happen. It will be forgotten.

Yet this year I am really trying to make an effort in therapy. To work hard. To do the hard stuff. To express more, to connect more, to share more. I am doing homework. I am thinking. I am processing. Yet… I don’t feel like I’m really doing much at all. Which leaves me putting it off and pushing it away for “another time”.

I’m functioning but I am definitely not okay. Yet, nothing is so obviously wrong that I can easily explain this.

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