I’ve been meaning to post for a while now… not just about the fish, about me, about life. I think about writing, then run from the very idea. It’s too hard. It’s so much effort. I have nothing to say.
I’m learning that this is a way in which I avoid things. I distract. I keep busy. I don’t think. I, mentally, push it as far away as can. I’m not sure what “it” is this time. I think I’m okay. I’ve actually told people that I’m feeling good…. and I am, that’s not a lie. It’s just that there’s something lurking just below the surface of my consciousness.
I finished work on Thursday evening, got a lift home with my lovely manager. No idea what I did for the night… my evenings all seem to blend in to one another. Friday was spent cleaning, tidying, washing, sweeping. My bedroom is tidy (but will need cleaning again next week), my washing is done, sheets changed. Old clothes that don’t fit are on ebay, aquarium bits and pieces have been posted on Gumtree. My aquarium plants have been sorted too. Everything that can be done, has been done.
I feel restless. I want to do things. It’s been hot and I’ve spent the last two days at home, trying to escape the heat. Tomorrow is going to be hot as well and I dread another day at home, by myself, in bed, playing on my macbook. I downloaded a bunch of free games today so that can keep me entertained. I also have a large collection of DVD’s I can watch as well as catching up with online TV.
Sometimes keeping busy is okay. Sometimes being busy is what keeps us going. Right now though, I do feel like I’m avoiding something. Mentally running away from whatever is there. It’s just that I don’t know what I’m running from.
I’m rather overwhelmed by guilt for not calling my dying grandmother. It’s been a few months of her being unwell. She sounds so sick now. She struggles to catch her breath, is regularly coughing and sounds so weak and tired. She has told me not to be sad when she goes, that it’s what she wants. I want that for her too. I don’t want her to suffer anymore. Aside from the above she’s completely incontinent, so weak she can’t leave her bed to wash herself, can no longer answer her own phone because she doesn’t have the strength to lift it. It makes my heart break.
I talked a little about it with my psychologist’s replacement (I see my psych again on the 6th, yay) and she said I could expect to feel some relief when my Grandma dies. That makes sense. I will be glad she isn’t suffering anymore, but I will miss her. I don’t have words for that. She is the only grandparent I’ve had any kind of ongoing relationship with (mostly because the other set are in the UK). She also said something about grieving and how… I don’t know, this will be easier (as if it’s ever easy) then the shock of her dying suddenly. I know it’s happening.
Thinking about it – I just want to curl up in to a ball and cry. Can’t do that though, too hot here. Stray tears are sliding down my face as I write this.
I feel so guilty for not calling her for nearly two weeks. I feel like a truly horrible, selfish person. The thing is though – I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know what to talk about with her. She’s not one for conversation at the best of times. What do I talk about? I’m not calling her because I feel so damn uncomfortable doing so. I hate that. I think that’s horrible, although understandable.
Plus… seeing as she can’t answer her phone, often my parents are there and will answer it. That scares the crap out of me. It really, really does. Hearing either of their voices brings up a lot. I’m scared of calling because they might answer. She said she’d be sending her mobile (cell) phone home with my parents as she was to weak to answer it herself. If she’s done that then I will need to get the nursing home number from one of my brothers. Also scared that I’ll call the nursing home to be told she’s died…. and my parents won’t have told me.
I’m not sure how likely that last scenario is. I say I don’t want contact with them, and I don’t… but I can handle one message saying she’s gone. I don’t want conversation. I don’t want a phone call. An SMS will do just fine. I dread listening to a voicemail from my mother saying my Grandma (her mother-in-law) has died because she will be a mess. It’s not that she’s close to my Grandma, she’s not at all! It’s just that my mother makes everything, absolutely everything, about HER. My Grandma’s dying but it’s so hard on my mother.
I know that may sound harsh, but that is how my mother is. Self-centred to the max. Everything is about her. I’m not saying losing a family member is easy, but my mother will be completely unaware that my Grandma dying impacts a lot of people, not just her. She just has no clue. None at all. I’ll write about her and my father one day.
So hmmm. What do you talk about with someone who is dying? I don’t know what to say. Well. I do know that I desperately want to tell her that I love her. I don’t say those words easily… and mostly when people say it to me it’s completely meaningless. There is only one person, an amazing woman, and close friend who I’ll say that too. As much as I’m comfortable discussing my own feelings, I am not comfortable sharing my feelings about other people. Not the real, meaningful feelings.